Big Mama’s Blues

Nije lako biti ja. Nije lako biti bilo ko ko se odaziva na ‘ja’ u monologu na jednom od jezika sveta. Moguće je da ima jezika gde reč ‘ja’ ne postoji, iako je verovatnoća prilična da ni taj jezik više ne postoji. Mi živimo u dobu JA i jezik koji ne može da razume koliko je to teško možda i nije trebao više da postoji.

Danima sam besnila. Protiv mašine i mašinovođe, protiv inženjera koji su mašinu sastavili šta god da su imali na umu, a naročito sam besnila protiv nepravdi. Od više njih najveći je bes dobila ona koja mene kinji. Uz bes uvek dođe i hrabrost, bar je tako kod nas malih ljudi. Ona ne zalazi često u ove pigmejske kvartove. Uz tu neočekivanu hrabrost, danima sam smišljala taktiku kojom ću razrešiti nepravdu i neprijatnu situaciju. I skript sam napisala. Jutros sam baš vežbala na glas (sutra je veliki dan) kad me je prekinuo telefon.

Prijatni glas sa druge strane me je obavestio da svi moji nerealni planovi više nemaju besplatni smeštaj kod njih. Planovi su naravno cover-up za očekivanja. Nije bilo mesta za puno, ali ja sam ipak nagurala dobar broj u to malo šanse. Završio se razgovor, vratili su mi uredno moja očekivanja, nijedno ne fali, prebrojala sam ih jer nikome ne verujem, i vidim, nešto nije u redu sa mnom odjednom. Bolesna sam, umreću, nema svrhe da planiram svoju strategiju i Austerlic za sutra jer verovatno neću ni biti živa do tada, ni hrabrost mi više ne treba… Kakav lažljivi conman je ta hrabrost – ubedi te da možeš, a vidi se i sa neba da ne možeš. Odnosno, možda bi i mogla ali ne smeš. Nije ni to:  ni ne možeš ni ne smeš, i niko ne gleda s neba. 

U razmaku od par minuta sam se dramatično smanjila. Ja sam već mala. Ne metaforički već bukvalno. U grupi od desetoro odraslih, ja bih morala da sedim nekome na glavi da bi me ostatak sveta video. Smanjena, bojim se da me dete neće videti kad dođe iz škole. A ni glas mi nije jak. I kad se uzbudim, ili ga podignem jer zovem nekoga niz ulicu, glas postane kreštav a oni me i dalje ne čuju. Ja sam više za kamerna rešenja. Možda iz tog razloga sve ređe izlazim iz ove sobe.

Obeshrabrena, slažem svoje olovne vojnike nazad u kutije i guram ih pod krevet. Tamo će ih pojesti prašina, mene će pojesti nešto drugo – tako ovaj svet funkcionise, majka priroda se potrudila da niko ne ostane gladan. Jasno mi je da sam se malo zaigrala, i umislila da sam Napoleon. I on je bio mali.  Kažu da za dobar bluz treba prvo da imaš dobro ime. Meni treba jedno ovakvo: Big Mama Napoleon Fillmore.
(lekcije zainteresovanima priložene ispod a autoru večna slava).

How To Sing The Blues in 20 Easy Lessons:

1. Most Blues begin „Woke up this mornin’…”

2. „I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
somethin’ nasty in the nex’ line like, „I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find somethin’ that rhymes… sort of: „Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is NOT about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch–ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southboun’ train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the runnin’. Walkin’ plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, „adulthood” means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago , St. Louis , and Kansas City are good places to have
the Blues. New Orleans , Memphis , Greenwood , Mobile and Statesboro are
even better places to have the Blues cause that’s where Blues was born.
Actually, a dirt farm in the Mississippi delta is the best possible place
to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get
rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
all wrong. Go outside to the parkin’ lot or sit down by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit,’lessn you happen
to be an ol’ ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes ,if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No,if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the ‘lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down
cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,(etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not „Kiwi.”)